


Worthy of Love

by HopeSilverheart



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (or perhaps his boyfriends are the nice things), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, And his boyfriends will give them to him, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: It started with little things, things that didn’t bother Alec too much. Jace and Magnus would disappear for a few hours to hang out at Pandemonium, leaving Alec alone at the loft. He would enjoy his time apart from them by reading a book and dancing around without feeling self-conscious.But then, they started meeting up at the Institute without him. He would find them together in the training room, fighting and teasing each other openly, even when there were dozens of people around. Or he would come across them in the cafeteria, cuddled against each other happily whilst they talked to the various shadowhunters milling around.Or: Alec sometimes still has a hard time remembering he deserves to be loved. Thankfully, his boyfriends are there to fix that.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 12
Kudos: 168





	Worthy of Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aria_Lerendeair](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/gifts), [MoonlightBreeze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/gifts).



It started with little things, things that didn’t bother Alec too much.

Jace and Magnus would disappear for a few hours to hang out at Pandemonium, leaving Alec alone at the loft. He would enjoy his time apart from them by reading a book and dancing around without feeling self-conscious. He didn’t mind their absence, since he meant he got to deal with them when they were drunk and giggly and all around adorable.

But then, they started meeting up at the Institute without him. He would find them together in the training room, fighting and teasing each other openly, even when there were dozens of people around. Or he would come across them in the cafeteria, cuddled against each other happily whilst they talked to the various shadowhunters milling around.

It was fine, though, because Alec loved seeing his boyfriends so happy, and being together in the Institute clearly brought them plenty of joy. It didn’t matter that they didn’t stop by his office unless they had something to ask him, because at least this way he knew they were having fun together. It wasn’t like he was extremely pleasant to be around when he was working on paperwork.

But then they began going out on dates without Alec. They would plan things that Alec couldn’t stand and portal away for hours at a time, coming back with bright smiles and twinkling eyes. Alec wasn’t jealous of them, but he had to admit he was starting to feel a little insecure about himself.

After that, no one could have stopped him from overanalysing things even if they had tried. Alec started seeing all the little things about their relationship that had never seemed to matter before. Alec quickly realised that whilst he loved Jace and Magnus, he didn’t really have anything in common with either of them. Honestly, he couldn’t even blame his boyfriends for keeping him out of things, because he would only hold them back from doing the things they really loved.

He wasn’t the outgoing type, and he knew that Jace and Magnus didn’t appreciate nights in as much as he did. He wasn’t adventurous either, which meant he couldn’t enjoy Magnus’ crazy ideas as much as Jace could. He wasn’t even as experienced as either of his partners, so he always felt like he was lacking in bed – and he probably was.

Magnus and Jace were a perfect match. They were brash and loud and confident.They were both the type to shine brightly in a sea of people. Everyone loved them and, more importantly, they loved each other. They were so good, so beautiful, so many things that Alec would never be able to live up to, and he was starting to think he had been fooling himself all along.

Why would Magnus and Jace ever want to spend their time with someone as dull as him? All he wanted to do on his days off was curl up on the couch and cuddle with his boyfriends. All he wanted to do when he was sad was read a book and let Magnus’ voice soothe him to sleep. All he wanted to do when he was happy was have a nice meal with the people he loved.

He cared about his family a bit too much for most people’s comfort, and he didn’t care enough about himself, according to Magnus and Jace. He doubted himself all the time, couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror when he was having a bad day, and constantly made things about him when he was feeling down.

If Magnus and Jace were the sun, he was the ground they illuminated. Steady and dull, needing someone else to bring him into the spotlight. He wasn’t anything special, and it hurt so much to realise that he had been pulling Magnus and Jace away from the things they truly loved all along.

No wonder they were starting to distance themselves from him, if that was how things had always been. Alec had just been too selfish to realise how much his presence in their relationship would hurt his partners. How could he claim to love them when he hadn’t even realised how unhappy they were when he was around?

Or had they just hidden it  _ that _ well?

Another thing Magnus and Jace had in common was their acting talents. Unlike Alec, who couldn’t lie to save his life, those two came up with bluff after bluff as though it was a natural skill of theirs. Given their tendency to exaggerate things that didn’t matter and undermine things that did, Alec thought it was entirely possible for the two of them to have been lying to Alec all along.

Maybe they had just been humouring him, hoping he would realise they didn’t actually love him as a boyfriend eventually so he would leave them alone. Alone with their perfect relationship.

Well, he could do that. 

It was all too easy to push his boyfriends even further away. It took no effort on his part to stay at the Institute for longer hours and make up excuses when Magnus mentioned date nights. That week, Alec managed to stay away from the loft on all but one night. He didn’t know whether he was proud or horrified at how simple it had all been, at how easily Magnus and Jace had let him go.

(He pretended like it didn’t hurt, but his heart was caving in from the inside out.)

As he sat on their couch that Saturday, a book in hand and a half-empty glass of wine by his side, Alec wondered what he was doing. His boyfriends hadn’t said anything about his strange behaviour, but he had noticed their worried looks and concerned whispers, and a part of him wondered if he had been wrong and had been sabotaging his own relationship all along.

Then Magnus mentioned a date, a nice dinner out in the middle of the city at one of the spots Alec hated the most, and the dark-haired shadowhunter realised he hadn’t been wrong at all.

“You guys go on without me,” he smiled as convincingly as possible. “I’m feeling a bit tired. My week was hectic and the last thing I want is to go out and ruin your evening with my stupid ramblings. I have wine and a book, I promise I’ll be fine.”

“We could stay in, you know?” Jace suggested, stepping closer to Alec and caressing his cheek softly. “You’ve been working so hard lately; maybe what you need is a home date with your boyfriends. We could prepare a nice bath for you, cook dinner, maybe dig out one of your favourite movies…”

“It’s fine, Jace,” Alec said, sounding a tad harsher than he had wanted to. He gentled his voice before speaking again. “I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your wonderful plans. If you want to go out, then please do. Besides, it’s not like this’ll be the first time you go on one of your dates without me. I’ll be here, waiting, as always. Well, I might be sleeping, but I’m not going to disappear while you’re gone.”

Magnus and Jace exchanged heavy glances, ones that Alec couldn’t even begin to decipher. Yet another thing he could add in the list of quirks his boyfriends shared. Yet another thing that made him different and wrong for them.

“We know that,” Magnus frowned, carding his fingers through Alec’s hair soothingly. “And usually, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave you alone and go out with Jace for the evening, because you love having a few hours to yourself. However, I have a feeling being on your own is the last thing you want right now. Darling, whatever is going on in that pretty head of yours, we just want to help.”

“I know you do,” Alec sighed, because he did. He knew his boyfriends wanted to make him happy, even though he wasn’t anything like them. The problem was he wasn’t sure they could make him happy without making themselves miserable in the process. “But really, I’m okay. Go get your food, have fun, talk about your days. I’ll be in bed when you get home and you can tell me all about it.”

Both men still seemed unconvinced but, after a little more pushing, Alec finally managed to get them out of the apartment and on the way to the restaurant of their choosing. As soon as he closed the door behind them, he deflated, his shoulders drooping and his fingers trembling.

He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He just wanted Magnus and Jace to be happy, and he wasn’t sure he could give them that joy. He just wanted to be at peace, loved and cared for, and he didn’t know if that meant being with his boyfriends anymore. So why did he feel like he was ruining his own relationship, one action at a time?

Magnus and Jace had always done things without Alec, so why did this feel so different? Alec threw himself back onto the couch, downing the rest of his wine and hoping the alcohol would numb some of the pain and confusion away. His heart was aching fiercely, and he knew things wouldn’t get better until he got some sort of explanation or closure.

But closure for what, he wasn’t sure. He had been so convinced that Magnus and Jace wanted to break up with him, that they were trying to keep him at an arm’s length so the separation wouldn’t hurt as much. Now, it just felt like  _ Alec _ was the one pushing them away.

He wallowed in his own misery for half an hour, twisting and turning and wondering if it was too early to fall asleep. Just as he stood up to find something cold in the fridge to drown his sorrows in, the door to the loft clicked open and two very familiar voices filtered into the living room.

Alec perked up unconsciously, even as his heart sank.

Why were they home so soon? Had they forgotten to make a reservation again? Had they left their money behind? What reason did they have for showing up so soon after leaving?

Alec barely looked presentable; his hair was a mess, he could feel the tear stains on his cheeks, and there was a smear of wine on his already dirty shirt. He hadn’t showered in a while and, although it hadn’t bothered him earlier, it bothered him  _ now _ . His boyfriends were standing in their loft’s entrance with bags of take out in their hands and wide smiles on their faces, and Alec looked like a caveman who hadn’t yet learned how to self-care.

But still, his boyfriends’ eyes lit up when they spotted him. They were at his side in less than a second, pressing matching kisses to his two cheeks and whispering small ‘I miss you’s as though they hadn’t seen each just a short while ago.

“What are you guys doing here?” Alec asked, staring at his boyfriends confusedly as they pushed him towards the kitchen and all but forced him onto one of their barstools. “What about your date?”

“You foolish, foolish man,” Magnus shook his head fondly. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood, did you really think we were going to leave you behind when you looked so lost and desperate for love? You’ve been acting strange all week and, whilst we know you sometimes need your space, what kind of boyfriends would we be if we ignored your obvious needs?”

“I don’t need any of this,” Alec protested, gesturing at the mounds of takeout Jace was placing on the countertops and spooning onto plates. “Seriously, I would have been fine with whatever was in the fridge.”

“Oh really?” Jace raised an imperious eyebrow. “Because I know for a fact the only thing you would have found in that torture device are a few bottles of wine and the pastries Magnus got us for breakfast this morning. The pastries you claimed were ‘too sweet’, in case you didn’t remember.”

“Too sweet for  _ breakfast _ ,” Alec justified himself. “But really, I would have been alright.”

“You can tell yourself that, darling,” Magnus said softly, one of his hands reaching for Alec’s and rubbing soothing circles against his fingers. “But we all know that’s not true. What’s been going on with you lately? Did we do something? Have you finally realised that you’re too good for the both of us? Or is this work-related? I know you’ve been spending a lot of the time at the Institute, but I assumed that was mostly because you were avoiding us, however-”

“I was avoiding you,” Alec blurted out, inexplicable tears welling up in his eyes. He wiped them away as quickly as possible, looking away from his boyfriends’ knowing gazes. “I’ve just been thinking about the three of us a lot lately, and I realised I’m always holding you back and being a downer, asking to stay in when all you want to do is go out. You two are perfect for each other; I thought taking a step back would help you break up with me.”

“You… Want us to break up with you?” Jace gaped, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“I don’t think so, no,” Magnus furrowed his brows and tilted his head to the side. “You think  _ we _ want to break up with you because of how different we are, right?”

Alec nodded slowly, knowing how pathetic he looked and sounded. God, even if his boyfriends hadn’t wanted to break up with him before, surely this would be the end of it. Alec was an insecure man who couldn’t handle his own feelings and didn’t know how to communicate. If that wasn’t a deal-breaker, he didn’t know what was.

“Alec…” Jace murmured leaning over the counter to cup Alec’s cheeks. “Oh angel, why didn’t you tell us about this? Magnus and I love each other, yes, but only as much as we love you. Do you have any idea how bad of a couple he and I would be if you weren’t around to keep us grounded? You’re the one who brought us together in the first place, Alec, and you mean the world to us.”

“Jace is right, Alexander,” Magnus added softly, squeezing Alec’s hand tightly. “You’re nothing like either of us, but that’s not a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s the reason why we love and cherish you so much. You’re everything we admire in a man and seeing how good and different you are makes me fall a little bit more in love with you every day. Life would be so dull if we were all identical, darling.”

Alec knew their words made sense. He knew they weren’t just empty platitudes that Jace and Magnus were using to keep Alec in their lives. After all, why would they want to keep him around if all their love confessions were lies? So he knew, rationally, that they were telling the truth.

They loved him. They didn’t care that he was different. They didn’t want to break up with him. Three complete and utter truths to Alec’s mind, but three notions that Alec couldn’t quite grasp in the depths of his heart.

“But  _ why _ ?” He murmured brokenly. Because at the end of the day, Alec knew this had never been about his boyfriends and their tendency to party or go out without him. This had been about Alec, about his insecurities and his inability to comprehend why anyone – let alone two people – could think of him as worthy of love.

Deep down, Alec had always known that his boyfriends loved him because of – and not in spite of – his quirks. That didn’t change the fact that he didn’t  _ understand _ it. He didn’t understand their feelings because, by all accounts, his boyfriends could have done a lot better than him.

And  _ that _ was the problem.

Clearly, Magnus and Jace had caught onto that fact as soon as Alec had started talking. Maybe they had known all along, in fact. Well, maybe not Jace, but Magnus probably had. Their warlock boyfriend was ridiculously good at reading people, especially Alec and Jace.

“Oh, darling,” Magnus whispered, nuzzling at Alec’s cheek until the shadowhunter turned around and allowed him to press their lips together. “There aren’t enough words in the English language to go over all the reasons why we love you. Even if there were, I know that’s not really what you’re looking for. We love you, Alexander, and I will repeat it a thousand times if that’s what it takes for you to start truly believing it.”

“And I’ll repeat it a  _ million  _ times,” Jace piped up, narrowing his eyes at Magnus and leaning forward until he could steal a kiss from Alec as well. The two men stuck their tongues out at each other, and Alec melted at the sight. “Seriously, angel, you mean the world to us. I know you’re still struggling to see all the good things about yourself, but Raziel are they there. Magnus and I try our best to outshine the rest of the world, but you sparkle brightly without even trying.”

“Now you’re just lying,” Alec chuckled wetly, slapping his blond boyfriend’s chest lightly. “I could never glitter as much as Magnus does.”

“Alright, maybe not,” Jace laughed, ignoring Magnus’ spluttering. “But you’re just as extraordinary as the both of us, Alec. You may not like going out as much as we do, but that’s more than fine because we all know you love spending some time alone and recharging from all those  _ exhausting _ social interactions. Besides, there are plenty of things the two of us share that Magnus could never understand, just as there are millions of things Magnus and you get that I just don’t. We’re all different, angel, remember that.”

“ _ I  _ certainly haven’t gotten such a romantic speech before,” Magnus sighed dramatically, breaking the tension and sending Alec into a fit of giggles. “Or at least, not from Jace. Perhaps grand romantic gestures are a shadowhunter thing, since I seem to remember a delightful evening during which you-”

“You promised to forget about that!” Alec exclaimed, blushing brightly and shaking his head rapidly when Jace sent him a questioning look. “And we’re not talking about it now. Or ever, as a matter of fact! Raziel, you two are the worst!”

“That we are,” Magnus grinned wickedly. “But you still love us, just as we love you.”

Alec grumbled, but they all knew Magnus spoke the truth. Alec had never loved anyone as much as he loved these two men, flaws and strange quirks included. They weren’t anything like what Alec had expected to love in a person, but he cared for them anyways, because they were  _ Magnus and Jace _ .

And although he still couldn’t understand why they had chosen him – of all people – to love in return, he was starting to think that it didn’t really matter.

Their hearts had chosen him, insecurities and sarcasm and all, and that meant more to Alec than any date or trip to Pandemonium ever would.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! And thank you to [Lex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquiteascrazy/pseuds/notquiteascrazy) for beta'ing this fic for me! Em and Aria asked for some Malace with a side of Insecure Alec, hence this happened! I hope you all enjoyed this <3
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)


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